Sunday, 12 June 2011

With Coming Out...

Yesterday was THE big day! :D well... technically, it was 4am this morning, but that's beside the point.

Today, I came out to one of my best friends.

I can't say that it was one of those stand-still movie sequences where the world stops moving for that split second before the sudden impact of the worlds just spoken hits you like a freight train... But it was in slow motion... (no - it wasn't because I was drunk... yes, I may or may not have been drinking fairly heavily the entire night but I had complete control of my faculties at the time). 

We were laying in her bed just talking... we've been through alot of tough times together and helped each other alot over the years, but up until now, due to past experiences, I haven't been able to completely trust anyone I've known for ages. Apparantly, a gay couple at the party thought I was dating her ex because we were hanging out the entire night... She told them that, no, neither of us were gay... his boyfriend told him his gaydar was broken (funny, he was dead on about me but pretty sure my gaydar actually IS broken!) haha

Anyway, when she told me about it while settling into bed, I asked her if she was sure... she brushed it off. Later, I don't know how we got onto the topic, but we were discussing each other's "types"... She described both her perfect guy and perfect girl (she's bi)... I sucked it up and told her my perfect partner is "tall, they have to look after themselves, have brown eyes and reddish brown hair... (at this point I hesitated - purposely keeping the description vague so I could pussy out if need be - and had a bit of an overly dramatic internal battle, but eventually sucked it up and finished with)... and they have to be a guy."

I could have died right there. She just looked at me. For ages. The same expression plastered onto her face. A mixture of shock and something I couldn't quite identify at the time... I wasn't entirely sure how she'd react because i'd tried subtly bringing it up months ago but she'd groaned and dismissed it... After the initial shock began to wear off, she gathered me into a bone crushing bear hug and all but screamed "congratulations" in my ear... 4 O'clock in the morning. Drinking. Loud Noises and Bright Light. Not a good combination.

We spent practically all morning talking about anything and everything - she accepted me so naturally that we moved on from my giddy "high" feeling brought on by intense relief, fatigue and of course my good friend alcohol - to her sex life and relationship problems! (Which, I think, is exactly what I needed at the time)...

I'm finally moving forward. This is a MASSIVE step for me. It may only be one person, but baby steps can take you a long way.

I just want to say that Ang, you are an amazing person and I count you as my best friend. If not for you, I would never have had the courage to do anything... I'd still be living the lie my life was before... too afraid to be myself because I was so caught up in the way others percieved me. Thanks to you, I'm  finally taking control of my life. After all these years... I'm finally dealing :D

Thanks everyone for your support,


Friday, 3 June 2011

With Confidence

Okay, so I admit that I've kind of been ignoring my blog because I was embarrassed... but after logging on here this afternoon and seeing that yes, I did infact have more than 1 person following me, I decided to give it another go and hopefully get back into the swing of writing :)

So I think I should probably straighten out the whole frothing girls thing... It turns out that if you just ignore them and play hard to get, they lose interest... I still feel bad about it because I don't really talk to them any more and my mate is still a little bit awkward when I'm around his girlfriend, but it's more or less over :)

I think I should also add that I love uni! (other than the classes and exams and stress, of course...) Last night, I went to a party the uni threw! The theme was Hookers and Deviates - so there was an excuse for the girls to wear nothing but lingerie and the guys to turn up shirtless or wearing cheerleader's uniforms ;)! It was awesome! I went as Vince from Shamwow! ;) because i could never pull off the muscle look and I'm pretty sure I'd put more than a few people into the emergency department from idiopathic brain anneurisms if I wore a dress - but in my modest costume everyone mistook me for security because of the headpiece :S haha I even got chatted up by a guy using that as a pickup line! hahaha but he was smoking so that's a big no. :P

After last night I realise now how far I've come and how much i've grown in confidence over the past few months... In the past I couldn't string together anything that even resembled a coherent sentence while speaking to a guy because of the constant fear always nagging at the back of my mind that I'd slip up, offend someone, show someone something about myself that would give me away and result in me eating concrete ... I was talking to guys wearing next to nothing - hell I think i'm even crushing on the guy who came as a fireman stripper! That would have had me in hysterics before... but i was strangely at ease and I think it's because I've finally fully accepted my sexuality :D Hey, I was comfortable enough to flirt... granted everyone was pretty drunk and i was relatively sober, so they probably won't even remember it today... but that's beside the point...

One thing i didn't appreciate finding out last night after alcohol had loosened everyone's lips (and not in the good way) was that people i went to school with were spreading rumours about me... yet again. But it's alright... I got through it before, and once people meet and get to know me better they'll see that really, i'm not that bad... :)

Until next time ( I'll work on not being so slack), thanks guys!