I'd completely forgotten that I had this blog until tonight. I've been so caught up in my life and everything that's been going on with university and family that everything was pushed to the side... This blog being one of the first casualties, along with the majority of my social network accounts (except facebook haha).
Looking back at my last post in August 2011, I thought about how much my life has changed over the last 2 years - how much I'VE changed over that time. I would have never thought it possible that I would grow and change as much as I have in such a short period of time. Two years ago I was only just starting to come out to myself and those around me. I was scared, plain and simple... scared of how drastically things would change and terrified of how I would be perceived by others.
But a lot has happened since then...
I gradually made more lgbt friendly friends at uni over the years and I found their presence a great help in learning to be more open with who I am. I managed to save up enough money to go on an exchange semester in America to Ithaca, NY for the first half of this year which I know has had the most influence in shaping who I am today. Ithaca College would have to be one of the most gay friendly institutions I've ever seen. I think they'd literally paint the buildings in rainbows if they could. It was here that I was truly out to everyone I met and within the first few months there, I found myself with my very first boyfriend. I knew that it was never going to last however, and we split just before I moved back to Australia because long distance is just way too complicated.
Coming back home to my family where I'm still in the closet was ridiculously hard. Sometimes I regret the fact that I can't tell them who I really am while I'm living in the same house. Things would be so much easier if I were able to move out and have my own place to escape to. Since I've just graduated with an degree in Nutrition and Dietetics, it looks like moving out might be only just around the corner... once I actually manage to find a job that is. And that opens a whole different kettle of fish regarding discrimination and everything that I have to worry about there, which I'm putting off thinking about.
A really great quote by Sean Kennedy, one of my favourite authors, sums up pretty nicely how my journey's been:
"And I know when you’re a teenager everybody feels different and alien to the other people around them but there seems to be an added dimension when you’re queer. It’s because for that period of time you’re more isolated than anybody else and you truly think you are the only one of your kind. So you create fantastic barriers and defence strategies for yourself to survive. And when you get older and realise that you can take them down it’s an internal and eternal struggle to do so. Fear is the best anti-motivator in the world."
When I started this blog, I was an 18 year old going through an identity crisis. Right now, I couldn't be happier. Before, I could have never dreamed of being this comfortable in who I am and who I'm becoming. I'm now 21 years old... I still don't know who the fuck I am, and I'm okay with that. It's taken me 3 years, and I don't really know when things started to change, but I've learned (to some degree) to deal with whatever the fuck life throws at me.